Tag: lifestyle blog

It’s Not Heaven Without You

On November 20, 2020

I write this through (slightly unexpected) tears as I just finished Whenever You’re Ready, the final episode ever of The Good Place. This show… well, when I began watching it, I expected what was basically funny nothings–Superstore in heaven, if you will. What I got (if you know anything of the show), was nothing like that. While it obviously did not ascribe to my views of heaven, it did fill my need to see people actually striving for the best for each other and for others. I was in a place in my life where I didn’t see much good in the world. The Good Place gave me a place to go to see the best in people, even people who might be bad. Heck, the whole judge storyline, and the idea of NOBODY being good enough to rack up enough “points” to make it to the Good Place–that one really rings true.

But, while it did hit good marks, it did give such a sad view of “after.” As soon as Phoebe–I mean, Hypatia of Alexandria–I mean, Patty?–started talking about how too much good turned people into mush, my heart broke a little. The “resolution” of that storyline? To give you an easy button to an eternal almost-suicide, that you can learn all you want and enjoy all you want but then choose to end your existence–forever. The idea of heaven, but heaven without a point, truly is heartbreaking, I think. To desire to just live, learn, and then blip off into oblivion… if that was the real afterlife, what does it all mean? Is the only real purpose of life to better ourselves? That can’t be all there is.

In all that was good in the show–Eleanor and Chidi constantly finding each other, Tahani finally reconciling with Kamilah and her parents after so, so many Bearimys, Jason and Janet’s unexpected love and (oh dip!) Jason even waiting around to give Janet the missing necklace–there was still this prevailing theme that life was only good if it had an end. Everything was given meaning by the existence of an end. And I just don’t think that’s true. I thought about this several days ago, too, as I finished Schitt’s Creek and watched the Best Wishes, Warmest Regards mini-documentary, and Dan Levy mentioned how much more meaningful the show was made by seeing it end. (A paraphrase to be sure.) I was already pondering this by the time I chose to finally finish The Good Place, which I had been putting off as I didn’t particularly want it to be done. I do think that this is somewhat true–the ending of a show on your own terms does give a little more meaning to the whole thing. But I don’t think human life can be so easily equated to the run of a series, no matter how beloved.

The idea that heaven needs an “out”–the Final Door–the door into oblivion, is a thought so sour in my mouth.

I am reminded of one of my favorite songs from back in middle school– “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie.

Love of mine, one day you will die, and I’ll be close behind,
I’ll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights, or tunnels to gates of white,
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of a spark…
If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the NOs on their VACANCY signs
If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks,
Then I’ll follow you into the dark.
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary,
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down
The time for sleep is now,
And it’s nothing to cry about,
‘Cause we’ll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms.
“I will follow you into the dark”, Death cab for cutie

What I am hearing from all these is this: ending is the only thing that gives meaning. At some point we need to embrace the darkness. It is desirable to embark into an unknown dark. And that just feels so sad to me.

My faith in God gives me hope in a very different afterlife. We aren’t embracing darkness, we are embracing eternity in the light of God’s love for us. We aren’t embarking into the unknown, we are walking into a real paradise. However, I can see how heaven without God looks so bleak and dreary. If everything is unicorns and frozen yogurt and music you can eat, but there’s no purpose… what is there? God is what gives life, and afterlife, real purpose.

I look at embarking into the afterlife not as a lonely walk into darkness and the unknown, but as Bilbo at the Grey Havens:

Day is ended, dim my eyes,
But journey long before me lies.
Farewell, friends! I hear the call,
The ship’s beside the stony wall.
Foam is white and waves are grey;
beyond the sunset leads my way.
Foam is salt, the wind is free;
I hear the rising of the sea.
Farewell, friends! The sails are set,
the wind is east, the moorings fret.
Shadows long before me lie,
beneath the ever-bending sky,
but islands lie behind the Sun,
that I shall raise ere all is done;
lands there are to west of West,
where night is quiet and sleep is rest.
Guided by the Lonely Star,
beyond the utmost harbour-bar,
I’ll find the heavens fair and free,
and beaches of the Starlit Sea.
Ship my ship! I seek the West,
and fields and mountains ever blest.
Farewell to Middle-Earth at last.
I see the star above my mast!
“Bilbo’s last song”, J.r.R. Tolkien

Instead of looking into those shadows and only seeing darkness behind them, we should look forward to those islands where “night is quiet and sleep is rest”, where there are “fields and mountains ever blest.” I also think of Narnia.. I think of Reepicheep’s insistence on heading to Aslan’s Country (Matt Mikalatos, who I had the joy of hearing speak at several retreats in college, wrote a great piece on this) and I especially think of The Last Battle. The door in the forest, the Final Door, the door to oblivion, in The Good Place–that reminds me of an almost-perversion, a sadder version of that Door through which Aslan led the Narnians, from an old Narnia being torn apart by evil, by Dragons and Giant Lizards, “further up and further in” to a new and glorious Narnia, where everything is made whole. It is in that new Narnia–the new Heaven and the new Earth, which I have hope. I cannot hope in being vaporized into the universe through a door in the woods, but I do have hope in following happily through the door into wholeness.

So just like it wasn’t truly The Good Place for Eleanor without Chidi (or a sense of purpose), I would argue, it’s not Heaven without God.

Looking Back on Twenty-Two

By Gwenith J.

On May 9, 2019

In Personal

It’s hard to believe tomorrow is my twenty-third birthday. I know everyone says this, but it really does feel like yesterday that I woke up on my birthday last year! (and let me tell you–that was a weird way to wake up. I had fallen asleep on the beanbag chair in my husband’s, then fiance’s, living room and woke up to one of his housemates singing a song on ukelele at 7 a.m. Not completely out of the norm for my life in college, but it was a thing to remember for sure.)
Twenty-two was definitely a year of crazy transitions for me. I graduated from college, left my job, got married, moved to a new city, got two new jobs, and adopted a new pet. If you feel like you’ve got whiplash reading that, that’s pretty much how I felt.
I have had to learn a new outlook on life. My life is so different from the place it was a year ago that if I stayed in the same thought patterns and looked at the world the same way now as I did then, I’d be super confused. Although transition can be difficult at times and I often question what my purpose is here (see my last post for details on that journey), I think I have grown for the better.
Within the struggle of missing the friends I am so close to and was so used to being around, I have been learning how to build new community and how to appreciate myself. I have had valuable time spent with my husband and valuable time spent re-learning my own passions and likes/dislikes. Although I found myself in some dark places during this year, I also found myself in the midst of a lot of excitement at times! Our wedding and honeymoon and the initial excitement of moving, as well as the excitement of college graduation, were all wonderful times! I appreciate having those bright points amidst a year of chaos.
Although, as with every good thing in life, the growth I’ve seen in myself this last year has been hard-won, I am grateful for it. I have learned who I am at this point in my life, I am learning where my passions may point me, and I am learning how to handle my own feelings during times of turmoil. Twenty-two was chaotic, but it was worth it.
Here’s to twenty-three!

When It Feels Like You’re the Only One “Not”

By Gwenith J.

On May 7, 2019

In Personal

My husband is finishing his teaching credential. My best friend is operating her business. My college squad is achieving or about to achieve more than you could imagine: going to the best vet schools in the world, getting graduate degrees, killing the game in the professional world, and leading in ministry. They’re blazing their own paths and developing their futures. And here I am: not using my degree (which I’m so passionate about), not even working in my field, not living where I had wanted to live, and not being around all the people I so want to be with. And you know what? If I dwelled on those things, if I stayed in that mindset, I’d flounder and die.

It feels like I’m the only one “not.” I get so caught up in my friends’ successes and am genuinely happy for all of them, but alone, in the silence, I can be swallowed up by the “not.” And if I am swallowed up by what I am not being or what I am not doing, I become what I am not. Our self-talk truly can limit us, and if I say I am not enough, I will not be enough. Surrounded by success, I easily fall into feeling like a failure, but feeling that way is truly the only time I am failing myself. Comparing myself to others makes me identify myself by what feel I am not, instead of by who I am.

Creating a Cleaning Routine that Works

By Gwenith J.

On April 29, 2019

In Home Organization, Organization

If you’ve been living on your own (or basically anywhere outside of your childhood home) for a while now, you might have figured out that cleaning without someone telling you to do it can be quite difficult sometimes. I did, at least. I feel like there are two sides to me–the side that wants everything clean all the time and the side that gets home from work and sits down with the idea of cleaning so far from my mind it might as well be nonexistent. There’s a disconnect in my desire to have a clean place and my exhaustion after working two jobs. Because of that, I’ve had to learn how to create a cleaning routine that actually WORKS, and doesn’t end me either in a pigsty of a home or a permanently exhausted pigeon (more than I already am, at least).