My husband is finishing his teaching credential. My best friend is operating her business. My college squad is achieving or about to achieve more than you could imagine: going to the best vet schools in the world, getting graduate degrees, killing the game in the professional world, and leading in ministry. They’re blazing their own paths and developing their futures. And here I am: not using my degree (which I’m so passionate about), not even working in my field, not living where I had wanted to live, and not being around all the people I so want to be with. And you know what? If I dwelled on those things, if I stayed in that mindset, I’d flounder and die.
It feels like I’m the only one “not.” I get so caught up in my friends’ successes and am genuinely happy for all of them, but alone, in the silence, I can be swallowed up by the “not.” And if I am swallowed up by what I am not being or what I am not doing, I become what I am not. Our self-talk truly can limit us, and if I say I am not enough, I will not be enough. Surrounded by success, I easily fall into feeling like a failure, but feeling that way is truly the only time I am failing myself. Comparing myself to others makes me identify myself by what feel I am not, instead of by who I am.
This past Saturday, my friend asked me what God is teaching me in this season of life. After a few seconds, I realized that’s an easy question for me to answer: contentment. For months and months this last year, I was wrapped up in the “not”s of my life and I didn’t see what I had. I can choose to relentlessly and ceaselessly pursue some version of my life that may never exist, or I can choose to find joy, peace, contentment, and positivity in where I am now. But that can definitely be hard to get to.
I found myself for so long spending all my time wishing for what I did not have, and you know what I can tell you about that time? Not much. I don’t really remember those months (and I usually have a great memory of my life.) I don’t remember them because I didn’t truly live them. Instead of choosing to live in the moment (cliche saying, real importance) I was living in a nonexistent alternate timeline. I was letting my real life waste away while I wished for one I don’t have right now.
So here’s what I’ve learned:
- When it feels like I’m the only one not in community, I could choose to live in loneliness or rediscover myself. Loneliness has been devouring my spirit, my passion, and my vibrance, and I’m here to take them back. Within my time in this “not”, I forgot who I AM. Instead of searching for what I had in past community, I need to be content with the community I know I am yet to create and currently creating–and in the meantime, re-learn what it is to be me. In the hustle and bustle of high school and college, I didn’t have the time to spend time with myself. When all my free time in this season was spent in negativity, I didn’t want to spend time with myself. But in recent weeks, I’ve taught myself to remember who I once was and who I truly am. I have taken back up those things that are life-giving to me: reading, writing, and my art. I am dropping that thing which truly is life-stealing: comparison. And this is not a comparison to others, but to my past self. I cannot long for the version of community I knew and loved in the past without being bitter at my current self for not having it. Instead, I must cherish my memories, but be content where I am now.
- When it feels like I’m the only one not using my degree or working my passions, honestly, I have to check my privilege a little bit. I must first remember that the way I see my friends’ paths is not how they may see them–as scary and uncertain, despite achieving professional or academic goals. Comparing myself to what I see on the surface is not the truth. I cannot compare myself to what I see on the surface. I must also remember that I am blessed. I have the privilege to have jobs that pay our rent, buy our groceries, and keep gas in our cars. They might not be glamorous or within my passions, but they are filled with good, hard-working people that I am lucky to be around, and they are something many people do not have–stability. There’s a balance to be had here. I do not have to give up my passions for stability, but I also should not be ungrateful or unhappy for the lot I have been given, because it is so much better than so many others’.
- When it feels like I am the only one not reaching physical goals, personal goals, or otherwise, I have to ask myself why. Have I set goals that are unreachable? Or have I placed obstacles in my own way of achieving them? Recently, I have found myself to be often placing obstacles in my own path. Laziness and easily slipped-into negative thoughts keep me from achieving my God-given potential, and that is theft. It is theft of my joy and theft of my life.
If we spend our lives in what we are not, we live oblivious to what we have. It can feel cliche, but taking steps back from our current situation in order to gain perspective is often necessary. We need to see what is there in our lives and what potential is ripe for the taking. We shouldn’t dwell on what we have had but no longer do or on what others have. Comparison is the killer of joy and the bringer of the “not”s and it is our enemy.
Where would you be if you were able to obliterate these “not”s in your mind? Instead of being not successful enough, would you be applauding yourself for your dedication? Instead of being not strong enough, would you learn humility in the weak moments? Instead of feeling underpaid, would you feel blessed for what you have?
A final note: we are not called to dwell in bad situations in the name of contentment. We need to (and God WANTS us to) work towards our potential and leave bad situations if necessary. Contentment does not mean settling. Contentment DOES mean killing comparison. It is killing the “not”s and finally assessing what good things we have where we are. It is finding out where we could reach if we only stop wasting our precious time on negativity.
The “not”s steal our lives. Take your life back.
